The 'Grub Street' Plumber

There are sordid and dimly lit establishments dedicated to the proliferation of these 'horseless' carriages. You, no doubt, are familiar with the locales of which I am speaking. You, no doubt, are familiar with the character of those involved in the trade of such worthless scraps of metal.
Some people may tell us that our lives are better off by virtue of our owning said machines, but I hereby declare they are liars! I hereby declare that those who force this modern 'convenience' upon us are themselves unfit for the lowest regions of the nether world! Satan would not needlessly frustrate himself; Satan himself would not further his damned condition by owning one of these vile inventions!
Said inventions are alleged to be useful. I deny the charge! A one-legged jackass would traverse the globe in one millionth of the time allotted to a 'car.' I know of no other invention of man that can sooner cause one to 'lose their Religion!' (Excepting, of course, the inordinately long lines at Theme Parks.)
"So what," you may ask, "has caused this particular diatribe after so many years of useful service from your own vehicles?"
To which I answer this only, My car just broke down, and I am disgruntled because of it. That's all.
If I could murder my car without fear of reprisal from the law, I would do it! If I could chop the silly thing into tiny parts and mail those parts to executives at various dealerships, I would. If I could, without fear of Divine punishment, take enjoyment out of slaughtering the thousands of such 'beasts' which roam our country, I would do so.
But if the silly thing would run right, well then, I take it all back.

Carl